I think I'll leave that up, only so that people can understand how I get sometimes.

On a higher note...

I have some of the best friends in the entire world, and yesterday/today just reinforced that.

First off and foremost, Mike, I love you with all of my heart. There is no other way for me to describe it, but you know that it is true. You are the love of my life, and you are the reason I wake up every morning. You are the reason I choose to keep going and survive. You are the reason I am alive. Thank you for completing me and showing me that there is meaning to my life. You are the meaning, and I love you so much for that.

Rachel and Dana, thank you. You are both such a huge part of my life, and you both know that. Rachel, I wouldn't have survived high school without you, you are the only person that understands all of my weird little quirks and sense of humor, and you're just the best person I know. Dana, I know we aren't as close as we used to be, but we're getting there. You're still my Twin, and the first real best friend I have ever had, and I love you for that.

Scott, you are the best (haha) and you know it. Everything you say is so right and so caring and I can tell that you mean it. Don't ever feel "below" me or anything like that ever again, I'm always here for you and I know that you're always here for me. Our conversation last night was such a booster, thanks for the list haha.

Baxy, you are such an amazing girl, and I hope you realize it. Thank you for being such a caring and loving person, especially for not knowing me for very long. I'm sorry if I scared you, but I promise I'll never do it again. You are the most genuine person I know, and that is so rare to find nowadays. I love you so much and I'll miss you just as much next year. Thank you for being you.

Lil Sis, I'm sorry we went through all of this, but thank you for clearing things up with me yesterday. Whether or not you realize it, our little conversation put me on the right track to stop whatever it was I was going to do. Thanks for being there, as you always have before in the past. I love you so much and you know that. Sisters forever :)

To the person I talked to last night, thank you. I never considered calling you before, but I had to last night. I don't know what it was about what you said, but you talked me out of making a huge mistake, and I thank you for that. Just caring enough without knowing a damn thing about me made such a huge impact, and was inspiring enough. Thank you.

I wish I could go on like this for everybody else that has shown concern, but those are the ones that have stuck out the most. I'm going to leave up what I wrote yesterday so that people will understand why I am the way I am sometimes, and well, if it makes people think I'm crazy, then alright, I am, but if you won't talk to me because of it, then I don't need you.

I'll go back to the cheery entries and stupid poems and prose and such again very soon. Maybe even tonight, seeing as I just woke up haha. We'll see. Thank you again everybody, I love you all.

This will be all over the place...

I don't think I'll keep this up long, because I'm just going to type and not stop to think about it.

I am so fucking depressed. It makes no sense at all. It's like last year all over again, except even worse. It really needs to go away. I don't think that anybody even knows or understands how incredibly sad I am all of the time. Sometimes, people will say that I look so sad, and I try to laugh it off and say it's because I have big eyes, but I'm just holding back the tears.

Lately, it seems as if everything I am doing is wrong. Actually, everything I am doing is wrong. I made a lot of stupid decisions with people over the past few weeks that have cost me quite a bit. I can't seem to please anyone anymore, with the exception of a select few, and if you knew who they were or why, it would just make me seem like even worse of a person than I already am.

It's like, if I try to better something, it gets worse. If I try to be nice, it doesn't seem that way. If I try to work, I do nothing, it's not good enough. If I try to straighten myself out, it doesn't work, and I fucking screw up all over again.

I made a promise a little while ago to an old friend of mine that I would quit some habits. One I have so far for good, but who knows how long that'll last. The other hasn't come out of the picture, and I think that it is pathetic I need certain things in my life in order to deal with it or be happy. I'm pathetic. That's what I am. I am so fucking pathetic, that's it. Nothing. Worthless. Pathetic.

I wish I were still smart. I'm not. That's gone.

I wish I were fun to be around. I'm not. Everybody's gone.

I wish I were worth the time and effort to be called somebody's friend. I'm not. I don't think I ever was.

I wish so many things but I never do anything about it, I just allow myself to get worse and worse.

I am totally isolated, which is my problem. I put myself through this.

I am in personal exile due to my own self-hatred. I lock myself in my basement every night and shut out the rest of the world completely.

I go to bed early on purpose so that I won't have to deal with being awake.

I am punishing myself for cowardice, for existing in the first place.

Everything I do is WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG. Nothing is right. It's all fucking wrong. Why the hell did I even make it this far to begin with. Why the fuck didn't I just end it when I had the chance? Why did I have to get so many other people involved?

Why the FUCK did some people have to come into my life last year? WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BOTHER KEEPING ME HERE GOD DAMMIT I'M FUCKING NOTHING ANYMORE TO YOU AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT. NOTHING. WHAT THE FUCK BETTER DID YOU DO FOR ME?! I'M STILL SUFFERING EVERY SINGLE DAY AND IT'S NOT GETTING ANY BETTER WITH THE COLD SHOULDER I GET FROM EVERY SINGLE FUCKING PERSON I KNOW. IT'S NOT.

If it weren't for my not wanting to effect the lives of others, I swear to God, my brains would be painting the wall behind me. BOOM!!!!!! Dead.

Done.

Gone.

I'm fucking sick of being alive. I really am. People say that life is the greatest gift we can ever be given. Fuck you then. You don't know what it's like to NEVER be truly happy. I have never gone a full 24 hours and been happy. How HORRIBLE is that. I cry EVERY SINGLE day. I sit here and torture myself with my thoughts EVERY SINGLE day. I allow stupid shit to get to me more than it should. I put meaning to things that shouldn't have any to begin with.

I pain myself just by looking at certain people. It hurts that much.

And the worst thing of all, is that I won't talk about it, and I won't do anything about it. I'm like fuck this I don't want anybody to know, but here I am typing away like a fucking maniac on this journal thing? I make no sense. If someone asks what's wrong, I'll say nothing. If I like you enough, I'll say something.

But nobody knows.

I don't even know.

And I know that you don't care, I'm quite aware of that. Don't ask me what is wrong if you don't care, that's the worst. Please don't be superficial with me. I'd rather be hated face to face than have to deal with somebody lying to me.

Or maybe not. I don't know. I don't like being on bad terms with people, it tears me apart inside.

I KNOW it's all my fault. I'm so fucking aware. Everything is my fault. Every fucking thing. IT'S ALL MY FAULT. I make everything so much worse for people.

My family would be so much better off without me. I mouth off too much. I'm such a fucking bitch to everybody here. I don't listen to anyone. I'm not a good daughter, I'm a horrible sister. I do nothing but consume space and time and money and food. That's it. I'm a fucking waste. I do nothing. I'm the worst daughter/sister ever. The absolute worst. I'm sorry, Mom, that you had to have me. I'm sorry I was never the daughter that you've always wanted, that would be your best friend and your little princess. I'm so fucking sorry that you are depressed over me turning out the way I am. I'm so fucking sorry, Mom. I love you so much, but you won't know it, and you won't believe it. If I ever lost you, I wouldn't know how to deal with it. I wouldn't be whole. Dad, I'm sorry I'm single handedly tearing apart this family of yours. I love you too. I'm so fucking sorry that your daughter has to be such a bad person. Please don't think that it is your fault, it isn't. You are so compassionate and caring but you won't ever understand, and that's all my fault, not yours. Bobby, I'm sorry I'm such an insensitive bitch to you. I'm so mean to you. I love you too. Don't think that I don't. You are so fucking important to me in every single way. I just wish you would know or believe me. I only want the best for you, Bobby. I want you to succeed and be happy in life. I want to see these things happen for you, and I want to help you make them happen. I want to be there for you and learn everything there is to know about your disorder and how to cure it. I want to help you beat all of this, because you are my brother and I know that you can be more amazing than you already are. But instead, I'm a fucking bitch that yells at you. I'm such a horrible person.

My "friends" would be so much better off without me. Nobody would have to listen to my stupid fucking whining all the time about EVERYTHING. Because nothing is perfect enough for me? Maybe that's it. I'm a fucking basketcase. Nobody would have to worry about keeping me happy and feeling obligated to hang out on the weekends or afterschool or to play tennis because you feel bad. I wouldn't be anybody's snivelling little pet anymore. I wouldn't be that fucking pest on your caller ID either, or that annoying ring you hear when my IM pops up on the computer. I wouldn't be that fucking obnoxious chick you know with all of the ridiculous problems that comes crying to you all of the time for help, because for some reason you do help. There would be none of that. You wouldn't have to worry about me trying to kill myself or running away or something.

Nope. None of that.

None of this fucking being depressed and ranting and raving and blaming it on everything when it's really all me.

Jesus Christ. I am so fucking sad. I can't take it anymore. I haven't been so bad in so long. This is so bad. It really is. I'm so lonely...

I am SO scared. And nobody knows it. And nobody cares. And I'm sorry about all of this. I'm done now. I'm sorry for going through this again. I'm sorry one thousand times over. I hope to God I snap out of it and stop screwing up and being such a horrible person. I really need to. For my own sake, for my family's sake. Anybody that has anything to do with me.

I'm sorry I am who I've become. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm so fucking sorry about everything. Please forgive me for being the failure that I am. I just... I don't know... I need a hug or something. I have no fucking idea. What I really need is an easy way out of this world.

I need to get out of here though, but I'm not sure I'm ready to be around anybody. I don't think I have the energy in me to pull my fake smile from my pocket and parade around the sports awards like there is absolutely nothing wrong. I really don't think I have it in me. I don't want people to be pissed off that I'm there, either. I don't want anybody to get angry having to see me. I'd rather stay home if it'll make them happier and make me easier to forget.

Bye.

I try to write through the eyes of anyone I know, and try to incorporate a piece of me...

PROMISE

You wonder why I stand there in the shadow's den even when the sun is down. You want to understand how I can wear feelings behind the mirror of my soul. You want to know why I run away only to love you more day after day, believing I will not stay.

I wear my feelings on my lips because one day they will be deserved unwasted. I believe in myself before I believe in any God, before I believe in Love. So I will stay no matter how many thundering storms and snowing tempests clouds will bring in its waves along. I am the light over the clouds, and there is no sun that remains in the shrine of my eyes but the one you give me with your insight. Please, do not have me wasted, but turn me inside out. Let's share the glitter of the night every time we can. I will always prefer to stay in the dark because reflecting lights on what I am had me blind for far too long. I'm scared to be, scared to run, scared to walk further if I'm not in your arms. It's already too late to walk backward because my life already is.

I will tell you what I wish to hide if you promise you will not break my heart. I still need you to purify my soul so I can stay alive.

So... promise. Proomise you will not let me go when I will try to push you aside so you ban me from your life. Promise you will still let me love you after I make both of us cry. Promise you'll kiss me when I'll oblige you to hate me, when I will tell you I want to leave and then have nowhere to go. Promise you will not dig the distance between us every time I'll hand you a shovel. Promise you will hurt me, but never break me. Promise you will hold my hand when I won't want you to touch me (even your hands know me all too well). Promise the cold drop of my vital beat will slide down your arms until you can reach it. Yes, reach me. Please. Promise you will not fail. Promise you will be here. Promise you will be true. Promise you will hug me and kiss my forehead good-night before you turn the light off. Promise you will love me and take all that I have to give.

Promise you will take what I offer without asking anything. Promise you will let me wake you up in the middle of the night because I needed to know you were there. Promise you will own me whole, and not just the part you want to see. Promise you will take all my "I love you"s and my joyful tears and not be afraid. Promise we'll go walk under the rain and let the thunder shake us until our clothes stick to our skins and we lose ourselves in wet laughs. Promise we will watch the sun running down the hill on the top of our roof, and hold each other when the cold night will wrap us in its arms.

Promise me not to promise anything.

I do not have want to ask you all that.

We can't afford to lie.

This is very out-dated, but I found it in my desk drawer. Guess when this was written:

I WAIT
I wait. I prepare for an arrival that will never occur.
You said you'd be here, but you've said that before,
Only to leave me standing here, foolishly holding
My heart in my hands, broken and silent.

You ask. I give. You beg. I give. You insist
That I stand still, not moving to the left or right,
While you roam freely and openly, leaving me
To follow you, and close my heart once more.

If I could say to you what's on my mind, I'd tell you I love you.
I'd tell you I want you. I'd tell you of the hurt and anger that
Simmer under my skin, but I keep silent because I know the cost.
I know that no matter what is said or done, I am wrong, as always.

I wish I could climb a tree, to the very top until there
Was nothing but sky between me and the stars.
I'd stretch out my hands to touch them, feel their energy
Thrilling through me. But I can't even get to second branch.

I stay behind, head down, because I love you. I watch you touch
The stars, receive their energy and then reflect it back
To the world. I smile when you smile. I cry when you are sad.
Because I adore you. I dare not ask if I may touch them too.

I know, because you love me, you hold me close.
I know, because you adore me, you keep me with you.
I know that there is no one else but you for me, so
I shut myself in, close my eyes and imagine what isn't.

And now I wait. Wait for you to return from touching the stars,
Breathing their essence. I am standing here stupidly smiling
as you fail to appear. I am standing silent, my broken heart in my hands.
Because I love you. Because I want you. Because you said so.

The sky is vengeful,

filling its lungs with the wind and leaves,
trees begin to lose root,
parked cars begin to rise at the rear.
Traffic lights snap off cords and rip into the sky.
Streetlights bend their necks in confusion
and cleave from their concrete beds
with bristling sounds.

Wheels burn into the earth as I swerve off road,
you tense on my arm;
rocks impact their bolder feet into my window,
the stars in your heart scream with brilliant colors;
it cracks.

It’s the day before the beginning of days.
Your fingers are being peeled from my skin,
and I’m thinking;
if this doesn’t touch you
than I don’t know how I will ever reach.

INVERTED HAIKU

She felt the flare in his eye.
From a foot away,
fell into a thirsty fire.

=]

My Friday was amazing. If you want to hear about it, go ahead and ask.

My Saturday was fun for the most part. The dance was all the pin dance could have been, as fun as a dance can possibly be that is held in your gym. I hope Steve ended up having a good time, I was bustin' his balls for not buying me a corsage but I was just kind of kidding around. It didn't piss me off that much haha. And oh was I a hottie. Maybe. But, overall, for a person that is a horrible dancer, I still had fun.

After the dance sucked a lot. I was ridiculously pissed off. And then I went home.

Today sucked as well, I woke up at 3 maybe, did a whole lot of nothing, wrote some essays, and now I'm here. I don't know why I wrote this entry, but whatever. I was almost going to go off again, but I've come to realize that fighting through journals is quite possibly the stupidest idea in the world. I feel bad that I even started it. Anyway, whenever you're ready to talk in person, I'm all ears. And I mean getting all of this stuff cleared up, not pretending like nothing has been happening. Until then, whatever.

And that's all. Next week should be awesome, because the earliest we go into school is 10:30. Yayy. Maybe I'll update this later.