I crave to breathe searing fire,
that it might rip my lungs.


I want to live
             for more
                   than stars.



I want to bleed quick
                                 silver


I-want-to-throw-out-all-my-passioninonem urderousoutburst,
hurling shrapnel through car doors with a deafening screech.


Devastating city blocks
with awe.


I want to squeeze out
              every last tear of gasoline.
I want to breath sparks,
              I'll never wear eye brows!    (I defiantly cry)


All this,      so  that others      might say:





                      I lived.

Several inspirations... I suppose you can pull it apart on your own. Anything to take your mind off of the pain.

Cigarette Break

I know, I know I don't look like she does
even in this puddle where I can pretend
that my hair shimmers like hers:
oil on asphalt, after the rain
I know that my face
won't smile as straight:
teeth as even as train tracks
(once the braces were removed)

I know that my eyes are too honest
my mouth is too small
and I am still alone
echoing everything
like a new room needing
the clutter of speech confused with laughter

I know I want you
in a soft and necessary way
that I long to hold your hand
against the edge of my need
until you cannot tell the two apart

I know
with all the certainty of rain
that standing in this parking lot
in fading jeans and fading cotton
where the concrete is becoming gravel
I know, looking out over town
contemplating an unlit cigarette
you cannot hear this whispering
I know, standing here consuming
ten minutes of uncluttered air
that no one is listening
to this tilted conversation
that might be mistaken for prayer

I know, I know
I have to go back inside
where the air is full of noise
and the smoke mixes with the grease
where the only words I have
are the ones they ask me to repeat
where, between the eggs over easy
and the undercooked steak, I can forget
knowing the consolation of not being me
is not missing you.

The tattoo designs are coming along nicely, thanks ;D Any other suggestions out there from anybody else?

Tennis is awesome for the most part, me and Allison need a hell of a lot more practice together though, so hopefully we'll get it. It's just hard when nobody wants to play doubles seriously with you. We'll do well this year, I think. I really aim to better my record from last year (10-6) and continue to hold the best record on the team. Hopefully, I'll be able to accomplish this with Allison at first doubles. We really have to kick some rich ass this year, I really can't stand those stuck up Weston and Barlow chicks. However...

Today = Drama and a half. Sam's a good kid though. I don't like foreign elderly women very much. I don't like Indian guys that take up courts, either. I also don't appreciate egocentricity, for that matter, nor disrespect and lack of patience.

Anyway, now I'm researching more about James Dean, because Ms. Daniels and Mr. Roberts asked me to do a lesson on him. It's all good fun, I know mostly everything. He was amazing, such a complex guy. Hopefully that'll go well, but who knows, the haunting studder might come back!!

Other than that, overall today was pretty good. I didn't miss much of anything, mostly because Senior year is a complete joke and I could sleep throughout it and pass. But let's keep that our little secret. Tomorrow, my entrepreneurship class is going to the Basketball Hall Of Fame, we're going to meet Rebecca Lobo, who is a washed up UCONN star, and she is going to talk to us about credit? With some finance group? What the hell? Oh well, I'll get to spend the day outside of school and with Maris, so that'll be good. And I'm done updating now, maybe I'll start posting my other stuff again if I feel like it.

"I got it and I know that if I better myself that there will be no match." - James Dean, his personal case study written in high school.

I went up to Bryant College today nervous as all hell, because it is my first choice school, and I was anticipating an interview with the director of admission. These sorts of things usually bring out my studder to the extreme, and I had to be all professional and everything. Not a fun car ride up.

At about 11:05 (loser, Kristin) a woman comes up to introduce herself. Hope Curry, Assistant Director of Admission. Hooray. I thought the fact that her name was Hope was really ironic, Mommy did too. She led me to the same exact office I went to the time before.

We skipped the basic interview, because I had already gone for one before. She was actually the person to defer my application in the first place. After I gave her my new transcript, we had a nice little chat, which I think went really well. She commended me for my improvement and told me a lot of little personal stories about her husband and how he was a badass growing up but learned from it and all of that. She also said that my SAT scores, and my drive to go to Bryant were extremely impressive, which was awesome.

So, the good news is that she told me she would advocate the decision to accept me!

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was such a freaking loser after that, I was all choked up and such. She invited my mother in to discuss everything, and told her that she would push for my acceptance, but the final decision would ultimately be the Vice President's. No guarantees, of course, but I don't think she would tell us all of this only to let me down, so I'm hoping that this is promising. In which case, I will be so incredibly excited and happy it won't make any sense. I think I'll start hugging people randomly and buying puppy dogs and flowers or something?

Seriously, I'm such a dork when it comes down to this whole process. Everybody else I know has already been accepted to a few colleges, and are like, yeah, whatever. I'd be going insane haha. But then again I suppose it's because I don't really expect to get accepted anywhere, hence the reason I'm so stoked right now. I'm babbling. But I'm so happy for everybody that has been accepted to where they want to go, special mention here to:

Rachel for getting into SCAD full ride!!
Dina for getting accepted so far to EVERYWHERE she's applied
Dez for getting into UCONN ;D
Scotty for getting the extra recognition he deserves from Maryland
Kylen for getting into NYU because she rocks

and anybody else. I'm really tired so it's hard to think, early wake up, long car ride, you know how it is. The commute to Bryant actually isn't all too bad though, just take I95 the whole way. I shouldn't be talking though, again, with my imaginary license and car. Yay!

But I'll stop now, just had to let all of that out...

=)

Hopefully this will all work out.

Just felt like sharing that I love it when you pour your heart out to people but they are so incredibly self-absorbed and in love with themselves and far too concerned with their own life to even take into consideration the depth of what you just said, or the feeling that you put into it. I also love it when you get entirely replaced. That really makes me smile.

I have light up dice for some reason. Oh, and hi. I just came back from my two day Massachusetts extravaganza which sucked a lot more than it probably should have.

I think the only highlight was being able to see Mike. Even though it was for only a few hours, it was totally worth it. Such a tease, though. I hate it enough knowing that every second here is another second I don't have with him, but when we were driving away I felt like bursting into tears knowing that we were just driving farther and farther away. Long distance relationships aren't easy, but it just goes to show you that we really do love each other for being able to keep it up. 8 months soon!

But anyway, the whole purpose of going up to Massachusetts in the first place was to visit Endicott College and have an interview. Due to my being a massive screw up, I have been making these appointments to meet the Directors of Admission at various schools in order to grovel at their feet and flat out BEG to get in. My transcript is less than impressive, so I have to go and show them that I'm not crazy, and that I suppose I'm smart or something. Numbers also suck.

So, I get there all dressed up nice, sit in this room, and they come in like "OKAY, IT'S TOUR TIME!!" Which I suppose I wouldn't have minded nearly as much had it not been for my dumbass wearing high heels that were too small for my fat feet, so now my little toes on both feet no longer exist. That's another painful story. The campus was absolutely GORGEOUS though. I don't think you could ask for a more scenic campus, it was that nice. My guide didn't seem like too much of a dumbass, and I didn't sense all too many stupid people around me, which was a pleasant experience.

What wasn't all so grand was the return to the admissions building. I went in, finally, to talk to the Senior Director of Admissions. Yay. So I sit down, and he basically asks if I had any questions for him. I told him why I was there, to explain my transcript, and all of that jazz (just in fancier words, my brain is fried). He proceeds to look up my application, which surprise surprise hasn't arrived yet. And there was a February 15th deadline. So we had to call my mom's checking to show that we made the check out on the 1st of the month and I had to bitch at Bunnell who claims to have mailed it. So I have to call this prick back in a few days.

I try to show him my new report card, and he basically didn't want to hear anything about it. He was more or less, "Well, let ME tell YOU about MY school!" and just kept going on and on from there. He recited the guidebook. It really pissed me off. Not only because the interview was pointless and only 10 minutes long, but because he wouldn't listen to me at all, only when he saw my SAT score, and then told me to call him later. The guy was so freaking corny, I couldn't stand it. Plus, I had to drive 3 hours up there, stay overnight in a horrible hotel, and drive 3 hours home for basically nothing. At least I got a feel for the campus...

Tomorrow, I have another interview at Bryant College. This is the second one, this time around I have my transcript from the first semester, so I can try and convince them that I'm not really a degenerate and that I have a brain. That should be fun. I hate bullshitting and asskissing, but I really need to beg to get into this school. I don't think that anybody has a clue how badly I want to go there. I'm going to have to pull a lot out and really seem impressive, so wish me luck.

Other than that, my feet hurt, I have light up dice for some reason, and Maris bought me a gigantic James Dean stand up. And THAT rocks. He scares EVERYBODY. But I just think he's sexy. That's all, I'll write later.