Editing

New, Old Entry.
Yep.. just reading one of my old notebooks. I could be so messed up sometimes ha:

I have recently procured a new acquaintance. The gentleman is a year older and is, perhaps, the funniest and most horrible person I have ever met. I'm still trying to piece out how exactly we have even met. But that in itself doesn't make any sense. Because he shouldn't have been there.

Can you actually do that? Walk out of people's lives forever and then turn up again two years later and go "Hey, sorry about that, false alarm, it's after NEXT year that we'll never see each other again."

I have this vague feeling about this boy, I can't exactly put my finger on it.

But I think I might know why now. Magazine quizzes, that damned computer dating survey they do every year, when you have to pick "what's the most important quality?" I invariably go for intelligence. I've always told myself how intelligence is sexy (but I have to say that, you see, because I am intelligent and if intelligence isn't sexy then I am doomed. But, of course, past experience should tell me that there is some sort of flaw in this logic because it isn't working. That flaw would be me. I think I have more inhibitions than I could ever possibly know how to handle. So many things repulse me or make me deadly uneasy. It's all about subconscious repression. This is probably because of those good old middle school crushes that are a deathly secret and the thought of their discovery makes you absolutely squeamish. And since I never had that middle school boyfriend to exorcise the whole thing out of me, I have never progressed beyond that stage. And I probably won't. It weirds me out, I know people who have sex. And it's strange, because I'd have to say it's common knowledge that there is no such thing as love at this age, so what's the point? We're all way too wrapped up in ourselves to give a damn about anyone else anyways. We only think that we do, or pretend to, because then we think they give a damn about us back and all that just feeds into, and fits perfectly, our self-love. I read an article before in a magazine about the chemical make-up of love, how it's all got to do with opiate receptors, etc. That's my problem right there: I over-analyze everything. And the point I was trying to make is that intelligence is sexy. It's not.), I have always told myself that intelligence is sexy, but the fact of the matter is that sarcasm is too. Maybe more so. Definitely more so. There's just something about being hysterically, unabashedly cruel. I think this explains things quite nicely. And it makes sense out of past experience too.

I remember a certain conversation (or conversations) about a fellow who isn't smart who does drugs. It didn't make sense to me. But now it does. Because he was sarcastically funny. Very much so.

But the point I'm trying to make is, I am very messed up, see. I'm trying to think this absolute nothingness out clearly and logically. As if that can be done. And naturally what I'm coming out with doesn't make any sense either.

I am getting the sense of one thing, though. What not to do. Situations not to get yourself into, harmless situations, understand, but ones that nevertheless make you think not-so-harmless thoughts.

I play stupid pointless scared games on a mental level, and only I seem to realize it. I pursue, or don't, things that are safely unattainable, so I can just watch and say "Aw shucks, if only it had been possible I might have gone after that." When I can't sleep, which is often lately, I sit up at night and write. When I'm alone I think of all the messiness tumbling around in my mind and compose in the exact words those statements and observations I write down when I can't sleep that night. I'm socially anxious and awkward and pained at what people think and at the same time I hate most of them anyways and it's all the same to me if somebody beats them over the head with a blunt object, as they ought. Because I don't care anyways. I'm almost completely detached from my emotions. I take everybody's side in an argument, because I over-analyze every situation and I've seen everybody's point, perhaps before they even made it, so I can't help but agree.

But that's not the point.

The point is that I have recently procured a new acquaintance, a gentleman a year older and friend of my friends. And I might just have a ridiculously stupid and pointless crush on him because he hates my friend and says the most dreadful things about her in the most calm and detached way imaginable.

If I weren't friends with you already I wouldn't be friends with you now because I hate you. The things that you do make me sick and so angry.

My goal in this life is to be an albino. And I'll watch you out of my red eyes and I'll laugh and I'll laugh as you die of cancer because I'm so much cleverer than you.

But the point is that I think I might have another stupid crush on this boy I don't know at all.

- Kristin, circa 10th grade

= loser.

It's new.. what do ya think?

So, I haven't decided if I want to keep this blog thing going or not. I suppose having a place to post everything is cool, but I don't really see much of a point in it. The original purpose was to receive feedback, criticism, praise(?!), whatever.. but I really don't get much of it. I don't know, I think I'll actually put something more into what I'm already putting up... maybe some background info or something. Anything to help, right? Besides, it's far more fun to vent on these things anyway. And then I get to sound nuts. Or funny. Or annoying.

Dan asked me if I was weird or just really funny.

I said yes.

But it's a little past 1AM, and I should probably be passed out upstairs, so I think I'll go and do that now.

*animal crackers [That has nothing to do with anything.]

Hmm.. agree or disagree?

Seer


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